


Mal de Coucou

by penguinpatrolerarmy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Canon Compliant, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, POV First Person, Pre-Canon, Social Commentary, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Rich Goranski, Transgender, Transphobia, toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-06-13 10:51:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15362949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penguinpatrolerarmy/pseuds/penguinpatrolerarmy
Summary: n. A phenomenon in which you have an active social life but very few close friends—people who you can trust, who you can be yourself with, who can help flush out the weird psychological toxins that tend to accumulate over time...Or: how Rich Goranski became Rich Goranski





	1. Prologue

I'd been trapped. For a long time I think. I was begging and pleading and... crying out for someone or something to free me. But, all of it fell on deft ears.

I Couldn't go back out there, everyone was laughing at me.... AT me, for the first time since freshman year. They always just saw me as a joke, as something to be laughed at. That's all I ever was to them.

I Couldn't leave. I didn't have much to go home to. A deadbeat dad, an absolutely drunken deadbeat dad. It was a miracle the guy hadn't dumped me off somewhere. And it wasn't like my brother was any better anymore... Hell, he wasn't even HOME anymore. 

I Couldn't stay in here. Someone would notice. Someone would knock on the door and kick me out. Someone would... do something....

...

I lit a match and watched the flame flicker and dance around the little wooden wick. Contemplating my next move.


	2. Liberosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> n. the desire to care less about things: to loosen your grip on your life, to stop glancing behind you every few steps, afraid that someone will snatch it from you before you reach the end zone.
> 
> Or: Rich meets his SQUIP.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to add another note at the beginnig here. Rich will occassionally be deadnamed or spoken to with unfriendly language, however (as stated by the SQUIP) every occasion will be censored. I'm adding this as extra caution because as a Transman myself I know it can be uncomfortable to read such things, even if no name or slur is explicitly stated.

**ACCESS PROCEEDURE: COMPLETE**  
**RICHARD GORANSKI, WELCOME TO YOUR SUPER QUANTUM UNIT INTEL PROCESSOR**  
**AKA, YOUR S.Q.U.I.P.**

I rolled off of the bed, groaning in pain. Son of a Bitch, that fucking hurt. I'm glad I'm home alone because I'm pretty sure someone would have heard me screaming. I looked ahead. Before me stood a glitchy figure, who soon seemed to form into someone... oddly recognizable yet unfamiliar.

 **This is my default form, you may alter it if you wish**.

I was almost at a lost for words... This was real, this had actually happened. Jesus Christ, this was real, Richard. This had actually... wait.

"How did you know my name?" I asked.

**My access procedure requires I take in all knowledge of my host; This included your name, gender, personality, and anything else I may need while I work on you.**

"Oh, so... You know? About...."

 **If you are referring to the fact that you identify as a Transgender Male, I am fully aware of that... I apologize for any discomfort but it was purely a result of my programming and was outside of any willing contro** l.

"No, No it's fine. You clearly can't like, stop yourself so... No harm done." It almost felt weird, having someone who knew about it. But, at the same time, It wasn't like it could tell anyone... Could it?

**I am able to communicate to other SQUIPs in order to relay or receive information from them in regards to compatibility. However, I will not disclose this information as you seem very hesitant even just when it's me and it would likely cause discomfort in situations where you need to stay... collected.**

"Oh, well thanks!"

**Of course. Also, you do not need to speak aloud when you acknowledge me. Simply think whatever you want to tell me. Now, do you wish to alter my form?**

I don't really see any reason to. I can tell who you are and really that's all that's important.

**... Interesting. Even in your mind, you speak with a lisp... I can help you with that if you'd like, I have influence over your oral muscles.**

I cringed a little. I've had that lisp since I was little. I was pretty late when it came to speaking, so when I finally caught on I was... Behind. Mom always used to say that I'd grow out of it but, That never really happened. It'd be nice to have a normal voice for once.

**Consider it done. I'll start working on altering the muscle memory. Though, I'll be doing it gradually as your family might question it.**

Alright then. Um, so... I assume you have a reason for doing this beyond me just wanting it?

**Precisely. After gathering your data, I have concluded that you desire to be noticed by your peers. You want people to see you and find worth in yourself, correct?**

Yeah, I want to be accepted.

**Wrong. You want to be admired, respected... When someone sees you, you want them to see someone with a reputation beyond 'short, lanky, and undesirable.' What you want, Richard, is to be cool.**

I don't think I can like... handle all that attention. I just want to be noticed, even if it's just by a few people.

**Richard, if you wish to be noticed... You have to be desirable. And in order to be desirable, you have to become popular. Understand?**

I thought over it for a moment... I knew people didn't want me, It doesn't take a supercomputer to figure that out. I was probably the most unpopular and unwanted person at school. I didn't even have one friend... But, could I really handle that pressure? All for the sake of a complete change of how I was perceived?

**The change won't be instant. Like all things, it's gradual and even a bit slow... Hell, over time you'll just get used to it. In fact, If we start right away, we can completely reinvent yourself by the time your sophomore year begins... I can even have them entire school using your desired name and pronouns if you'd like that.**

...You can really have them doing that?

**Certainly! You'll likely still be misgendered at home, but you can always have me block out your deadname.**

Wow. You can do a lot huh?

**Percisely, Richard. I could make you hold the entire world in your hands, if you so desired. All you have to do is obey.**

...Well, I don't desire to hold the world. I just want the world to see me as someone with worth.

**Very well. Let's get started, shall we?**

"-------? I'm home from work! You in here?" That sounded like my brother. He must've gotten off early today... Wow, that blocking feature was kind of nice. Though, it looks like I might have to wait until after dinner to start anything.

**That is Quite alright. Actually, It'd be good for me to observe your family for myself, as I am influenced somewhat by how you perceive them from memory more than I am on my own calculations at the moment.**

I walked down the hall, noticing my brother, Steven, standing in the kitchen. He was still in his work uniform, which basically could just pass for his regular clothes by this point. He graduated high school a years ago, but for whatever reason he stuck around and started working. He smiled when he noticed me come over.

"Hey kiddo. How was your last day of school?" He asked. I just gave a bit of a shrug.

"I-It was fine I guess." I said. I could already notice a slight difference in my speech, though it was small. Steven frowned slightly, starting to dig through the kitchen cabinates.

"Well, that's good. Glad they didn't just dump a lot on ya on the last day of school, y'know? That would suck... Has dad come home yet?"

"No, I haven't seen him since last night... I think he's at work." I explained. He sighed.

"Hm, Well. We don't have a lot of food here... And I've been saving up for a little bit... You wanna go out for dinner?" He offered, "It's been a while since we've done that."

"Oh, um... Sure. That'd be nice. Just, don't go out wearing that alright?" I joked. Steven chuckled.

"Yeah yeah, whatever you say -------. Be ready in like... 20 minutes? I wanna take a quick shower."

"Sure thing, Steven." Steven went towards his own room.

**Hm, He's an interesting fellow... Still gonna need more data on him.**

I jumped. You were really quiet during that whole exchange.

**Again, I am mostly gathering data. I assumed you didn't want a play-by-play of my developing calculations.**

That would have been annoying.

**I'd recommenced you freshen yourself up, since we'll be going out in public.**

What's wrong with what I'm wearing now?

**It's something a loser would wear. Ideally I'd just have you replace your whole wardrobe, but we're gonna take this one step at a time. So, I'll work with what I have.**

I went back into my room. This SQUIP thing was going to take some adjusting to, but I was more than willing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters will fluctuate in length as the story goes along so be ready to expect that.


	3. Adomania

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> n. the sense that the future is arriving ahead of schedule...
> 
> Rich's SQUIP starts to make a few small improvements.

**Now then, Our first manner of business: Your summer schedule. I currently have it noted that you do not have any sort of plans, is this correct?**

Well, it's hard to have plans when you don't have people to make them with. I have no friends, no real online presence, and the only other people I interact with aren't home for most of the day. I don't really have anywhere to go.

**Well, I'll be taking your daily activities into my own hands. First thing's first: We're going to put you on a regular work-out schedual. You'll do a series of exercises first thing every morning. The extra stimulation will do wonders for your natural Testosterone production, not to mention your muscle growth. Overall, it'll give you a more masculine appearance.**

That'd be nice. Looking more like how I felt was a good first step idea. Though, really... I was more worried about my voice giving me away than anything.

**Which brings me to my next point: Vocal exercises. I'll be a little less strict about the timing of these, but I will be making sure you do them daily. In addition to your lisp, we're going to have to condition your vocal chords to sound lower. It'll take time to fix... But my goal is you'll be able to communicate properly without my assistance in the future.**

That was probably for the best. Again, my voice would probably be the biggest giveaway... If I even only had that fixed I'd be able to pass without too much trouble.

**Right, and lastly... At least for right now: We need to completely overhaul your social status. You are, quite literally, at the very bottom of the food-chain of your school. You're so low on it, you manage to avoid predators by simply being unnoticeable. We need to get you some Friends and Admirers.**

**Overall this is going to be difficult, so I'm going to need your full cooperation.**

Alright... This whole popularity thing was really turning me on my head. I mean, I'm not really popular guy material... Hell I wasn't even popular _girl_ material.

**But you will be popular guy material. As long as you do as instructed you'll accomplish anything. Now, I mentioned before that your wardrobe needed some work done. How much money do you currently have?**

I pulled some cash out of my savings jar and counted it out. $178 dollars in bills... It was more than that but I spent some of it on a supercomputer.

**Hm. This just won't do... Your brother is home today, correct? We can probably get some cash out of him.**

Well I mean... We can, but... He works really hard, And that's money he's saving up for Collage! He needs it more, doesn't he?

**Well, I doubt your brother would want you wearing worn out clothes, would he? We'll make it up to him later, I promise... Now, go. I'll let you know what you need to say should it come to that.**

I took a breath, heading for Steven's room. I was a bit nervous about this, I'd never really asked him for money before. Sure, he usually would hand me some cash on the occasion for other things (that's how I even had a savings jar)... But something about it still felt wrong. I knocked on the door with our secret knock.

"It's open, -------." He called. I walked in. Steven was fully clothed and laying on his bed, His laptop was to the side of him. "Whatcha need, kiddo?"

**Now, just ask him for the clothes money.**

"Well, I was wondering if I could have some money for clothes?" Steven sat himself up, his expression somewhat questioning.

"Something wrong with your old clothes?"

**Tell him they're too worn out. Also place some of your hair behind your ear.**

"A lot of them are too worn out to wear." I said, also doing the ear movement. Steven's expression softened up a bit.

"Oh, Yeah? Alright, I can get you some cash." He looked over me again, ruffling my hair. "You want some money for a Haircut too? It's getting longer than you usually let it grow."

**Accept his offer.**

"Yeah, that'd be great!" I said with a smile. Steven pulled out a shoe box from under his bed. He counted out series of bills, then handed them over.

"There ya go, -------. Do you need a ride to the mall?"

**Decline, You need the exercise.**

"No thanks, Steven." I turned to leave, but Steven held me back.

"You sure? It's really no trouble."

**He's worried about you, Offer him some reassurance.**

"I'll be okay, Steven. I got my phone on me, I'll call you if there is any trouble." I gave him a quick hug. Steven slowly returned the embrace.

**You should pull away now.**

I did, giving Steven one last smile.

"Hey, text me when you get there so I know your safe." He said.

"Will do." I left Steven's room, Counting the money he'd given me... Woah... $350? He's never given me that much.

**He loaned you extra for the haircut, remember?**

I looked over at my SQUIP with a bit of a smile. Did it know about this?

**I knew there was a probability of him offering you extra, yes... I had you do that hair thing as a sort of influence... If we budget we can get you a short cut, some stylish outfits, and maybe some lunch later.**

I let out a pleased hum. This thing really knows what it's doing, huh? Modern Technology never ceases to amaze me. I quickly went back to my room and changed into the most guy-ish shirt I currently owned. It was just a regular band tee-shirt, but It was baggy so I wore it often. Plus my SQUIP seemed to like it enough. ( ** _You should definitely hold onto it_**. It had said last night.)

I checked my watch, 9am... It was about a 30 minute walk. I made my way outside with a bit of a bounce in my step, beginning my trek towards the mall.

**Richard, please never use 'Trek' again, it makes you sound like a geek.**

* * *

I stepped into the mall with a bit of a quiet, but strong confidence. Normally I'd keep my head down when I walked through these places, but today i found myself actually taking the time to look around.

**You're slouching.**

I straightened my back, trying to keep it in that position. The first thing on the agenda: Haircut. I went over to check a map.

**That won't be needed, head straight, take a right, use the escalator at the very far end of the mall, and look across from Payless... They take walk-ins and only opened a little while ago.**

I shrugged, following it's instructions. It was a little ways, and for a moment I had a bit of doubt... There were a lot of stores along the way. But, sure enough there was the hair salon, just where my SQUIP said it would be. I walked in, heading towards the counter.

**Maintain eye-contact, Speak clearly and slowly, and keep your throat relaxed.**

I took a breath. I found these instructions a little odd, but didn't question them. I looked up at the employee.

"Hello, I was wondering if you had any openings for today." I said. My lisp was still a noticeable, but significantly less bothersome than it had been yesterday. My voice also did start to sound a little lower, to my surprise. Though not by much. The employee pulled up a clipboard and started checking through it.

"We're completely empty, we can take ya right now if you'd like."

**Take it, you'll want to get in and out of here before it becomes too busy.**

"Yes, I would like that." I replied. The employee gave a simple wave, leaving towards the chairs. I followed him, sitting down in an area he'd stopped in. He wrapped the cover over my shoulders.

"So, how do ya want it cut kid?" I froze for a moment... I did have a specific haircut in mind, But I wasn't sure how to word it.

**Hm. This seems acceptable... Up Up Down Down Left Right A.**

The employee twitched slightly.

"Oh, nevermind. I know what you want..." I stared in confusion. What was that about?

**He also has a SQUIP. I transmitted the image you had to him... Apparently, the cashier at the Payless is a relative of the person you got me from. They sell the same stock.**

I suppose the world is just small enough, isn't it? I'd gotten mine from a bowling alley that was almost halfway across town. It was closer to my school than it was my house, and I'd gotten directions for a 'short cut' that saved me from having to walk for an hour... But knowing I could haven gotten one HERE instead was a bit annoying.

The haircut itself took a good 25 minutes. I sat in silence for most of it, per request of my SQUIP. Apparently, the employee didn't like it when people tried to converse with him while he worked. I wasn't complaining much anyways. While my voice had sounded deeper under my SQUIP's instruction, something about it still wasn't completely right. It didn't sound realistic or deep enough just yet. Plus If I had to stand and cut hair for most of the day, I wouldn't want someone distracting me.

I took a good look in the mirror when he was finished. My bangs fell just over my forehead, I could actually see my ears without much trouble, and overall: It did look a bit manly. I felt a large warmth wash over me. It was nice, I actually was starting to feel a bit like... Well, myself. Though, at the same time, I felt a bit of fear. This was probably the shortest I've ever gotten my hair cut, I had no idea how I was going to explain this to my Brother... or my Father for that matter.

**Don't dwell too much on it. For now, lets just focus on what we already have planned out. We can deal with the other two when the time comes.**

While that was nice to hear, I still was scared about it but my SQUIP had already proved itself trustworthy. I paid the cashier (it was $60 for the whole cut) and moved along through the rest of the mall. It was a little more crowded now, which I somewhat expected seeing as it was a weekend during the summer. Still, I couldn't ignore the pool of anxiety that was starting to form in my chest.

**Stand straight, keep your hands out of your pockets, puff your chest out just a little bit... Your walking style is fine for now...**

I did as instructed. Though I wasn't too sure why it specified these things.

**Studies show that just keeping a good posture is one of the simplest ways to feel more confident. If you act like you have confidence, then it becomes subconscious.**

I looked around the area, occasionally glancing at different stores that were around. It was about as packed as a mall could be with stores, Though at the same time none of them were really sticking out. Eventually I settled on the I glanced around for a bit, trying to seem inconspicuous.

**Head towards the Men's Section.**

I admitted, I felt a bit of adrenaline rush through me. I couldn't help it, I was excited. I almost never got to do any shopping by myself, and when I did it was usually for things like groceries. It was almost... Powerful. I didn't have to worry about anyone I knew judging me. People are just going to see Richard Goranski, happily buying himself clothes at a mall.

I reached out for a shirt. But, before I could touch it I suddenly felt a pain run through my spine. It was jolting, like static coursing through a finger.

**That's a _girl's_ shirt Richard...**

That was you?

 **It was just a light shock, you were about to embarrass yourself. The point of this trip was to buy you apparel that wasn't effeminate... Also, you're still a little ways from the** **Men's Section. Keep moving.**

I hadn't even realized that. I thought the shirt looked fine...

**It's not something people like to see on boys. You have to commit to a _masculine_ image if you ever want someone to take you seriously.**

I looked at it again... Now that I thought about it, it didn't really look like something any of the boys at school would wear. My SQUIP was right, we came here to help me not look like a girl, this might ruin that... I rubbed a spot on my neck and continued through the store, hoping to find something more suitable.

* * *

Somehow I ended up going through a few different stores in a very short amount of time. My SQUIP was actually pretty good at picking out a nice style, even though I didn't really get it. 

**You don't have to get it, you just have to wear it.**

Is that why we're in Spencer's Gifts? Because I'm pretty sure I've never seen a person actually step into here.

**That's precisely why we are in here. Boys your age actually go into places like these all the time... Look, there's two over there now.**

I glanced over my shoulder, sure enough there were two boys who were around my own age... Actually I think they even went to my school, I recalled seeing them together in the halls.

**Hm, they're a prime example of what you shouldn't be.**

Why's that?

**They're losers, Richard... Just look at how pathetic and pitiful they act.**

I glanced over at them... The lankier of the two looked like he felt completely out of place, and had some serious acne going on. The stout yet surprisingly taller one just looked more comfortable but just kinda... off. I could overhear bits of there conversation, they seemed like they were talking about some old Nintendo game... Then switched topics to out-of-commission sodas.

**You should assert your dominance over them.**

What?

**Go over and push them around a little.**

I don't wanna do that, I barely know them!

 **They'll be fine with it, boys act like this around each other all the time**.

I stood there a moment, contemplating it, when the two walked out of the store... They hadn't even bought anything.

I felt a jolt hit my spine and nearly yelped. It was more painful than the last time.

**Richard if this is going to work then you have to OBEY when I tell you to do something. Otherwise you'll end up like those two: Pathetic and Unwanted.**

...Okay. I felt my stomach shift a bit in discomfort.

**Why don't you go buy yourself some lunch? You haven't really eaten much today.**

I was okay with that. I paid for a shirt my SQUIP had picked out and left towards the food court. It was a little ways, but I knew the pay off was more than worth it. I glanced around, thinking about what I wanted to eat... Pizza sounded pretty good. And I knew for a fact that this place had a Sbarro. It was tiny, like most of the food court restaurants, but I didn't particularly care.

I stood in line for a moment, waiting my turn like anyone else would. Another kid walked up behind me with what looked to be loaned over cash. I didn't think much of it, it was fairly normal for-

"Excuse me but... Do I know you?" He suddenly asked. I looked up at him, feeling a pit open in my chest... I may not have friends, but I knew about most people at school. And I knew for a fact this kid was Jake Dillinger, who was like... The most popular guy in my entire grade, I froze for a moment, at a lost for words.

What to I say what to I say what do i say whatdo isay what-

**Tell him you just moved here!**

But what abou-

**Just do it.**

"I just moved here! So um, probably not?" I said... My voice suddenly had a very significant change in pitch, and my lisp was nonexistent. Jake gave me a confused glance.

"Oh, I swore I'd seen you somewhere... I'm Jake." He stuck out his hand.

**Well? Go shake it!**

I did. It felt awkward for a moment.

**Introduce yourself, don't be rude.**

"I'm Richard... Richard Goranski." I replied, still not used to the voice change... What was up with that?

**I can alter how your voice sounds at anytime, Remember?**

Why weren't you just doing this before!

**Before we needed to hide it... But, as you said, Jake Dillinger is among the popular crowd. Hanging around him will, by circumstance, help you become popular. On top of that he doesn't really know you. He might've recognized something but we've convinced him otherwise. Besides, it would be beneficial to both of us if you were able to talk normally without me having to constantly fix it for you.**

"Richard huh, that's kind of a mouthful... Mind if I just call ya Dick?" Jake said, not missing a beat.

**Laugh.**

I let out a chuckle.

**Good, Now say "I've never heard that one before."**

"I've never heard that one before." I repeated.

**"Most people just call me Rich."**

"Most people just call me Rich."

"Ah, yeah? That figures." Jake said, "Where'd you move from, Rich?"

**"Upstate New York."**

"Upstate New York."

"Oh, You mean like Niagara Falls and shit?"

**"Yep."**

"Yep! Lived practically next-door to it." The conversation started to feel more comfortable and natural as I went along.

"Huh, that's cool. Me and my folks stayed up there for a few weeks last summer. Took a bunch of day-trips to Canada... It was nice. I'm picking up lunch for us right now."

"Yeah, Nothing beats Sbarro."

"I know, right? So, What school you gonna go two now that you live in Jersey?"

"Oh Um, Middle Borough High? It's not to far from here-"

**Mention driving by it.**

"-I drove past it earlier." I added.

"No Way! I go there! Dude we should totally hang out sometime!" I don't think I'd ever seen Jake be this social with a loser.

**He doesn't see you as that right now, Richard. You've already improved greatly and it's only been your first day. Plus, his guard is down somewhat... Since we're outside of a hostile school environment and it is summer vacation.**

I felt a bit happier knowing this. I might actually befriend Jake Dillinger.

**You will, trust me. Offer to let him cut.**

"You wanna cut ahead of me? I'm still thinking about what I'm gonna get." I said. Jake grinned.

"Really? Thanks, man. Oh, before I forget-" He grabbed out what appeared to be a crumbled receipt for a previous store, and scribbled something on the back of it with a sharpie.

"Hit me up on Twitter sometime, We can chat and shit."

**Take it.**

I wasn't planning on refusing it. I glanced at it for a moment, carefully shoving the paper into my pocket.

"Next in line, please."

"Well, that's my cue." Jake shrugged, turning around and walking up to the cashier.

**Lean against that beam behind you.**

I slouched back just slightly, letting my body rest on my elbow. Today had been going by rather... Strangely. But it was a good strange. And I was welcoming it with opened arms.

**Perfect. We're on the right track.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad to be updating this again! I've been aiming to make my chapters a bit longer. I appreciate comments!


	4. Anecdoche

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> n. a conversation in which everyone is talking but nobody is listening, simply overlaying disconnected words like a game of Scrabble, with each player borrowing bits of other anecdotes as a way to increase their own score, until we all run out of things to say.
> 
> Rich comes home after the mall... Though it's not really a warm welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Implied Physical Abuse, Implied Slur, Dysphoria.

I walked home that day with my head held high and for the first time in a while a feeling of happiness. The world seemed just a little bit brighter today, and not just because it was summer. This SQUIP thing was really paying itself off. I feel unstoppable with this thing. Like a Mob Boss or an Action Hero.

**Action Hero huh? That's a good goal for you to aim for.**

Do you mean that for popularity or appearance?

**Appearance, but I suppose it works both ways.**

I smiled. Yeah, that'd be nice. I walked up to my doorstep.

**Oh, before you walk in, You should put some of the expensive clothes in different bags.**

Why?

**I have reasons to believe Steven might get suspicious.**

Yeah, we don't usually buy anything too expensive... I took a few moments to switch and hide bags around. Then, I unlocked and opened the front door. It was quiet inside... Which was good. My dad probably hadn't gotten home yet. I walked down the hall, placing my clothes into my room. I turned around for a moment, Steven was standing just a little bit away. He walked over.

"Hey." He said, very plainly.

"...Hi." I replied, shutting my door again. My voice was now back to it's usual pitch and lisping. He was acting weird, I felt a bit nervous.

**Don't worry, he doesn't know anything.**

Steven looked at me, then sighed.

"You didn't text me."

...Oh.

"Shit, Sorry... I must've forgot." I murmured.

"It's fine, -------. Just, try to remember next time, yeah? I get worried when you go off on your own like that." I nodded... Why didn't you remind me about this?

**I wanted you to get that haircut as soon as possible, you weren't very presentable at the time.**

And you couldn't have done that _and_ remind me to text him because?

**Look, Richard: Steven is a bit.... overprotective. He tends to smother you. It'd be best if there was some distance between the two of you.**

Why?

**Because if he's always around you, he'll ruin what we're trying to do. All it'd take is one "Hey _Deadname!_ " and suddenly everyone will ask questions or figure it out themselves. You can't risk that, Richard.**

...I didn't even think about that... Yeah, if he was around me he'd just be dead-naming and misgendering me. I mean, he already kind of does it, he doesn't know but... I dunno if I wanna tell him. I don't think he'd take it well.

**Judging by the previous conversations logged in your memory, he certainly wouldn't.**

"You okay? You look spaced out." Steven said.

**Vague Reassurance.**

"Oh yeah! I'm fine." Steven ran his hand through my hair.

"Wow, this is the shortest I think I've seen it." He said.

**I felt like something different.**

"Yeah, I felt like something different."

"Well, I dunno if-"

The door opened again, slamming shut. A series of footsteps silenced us momentarily. Dad was home... Great. He looked at us for a moment, an empty bottle already in his hand.

"What's with the look, kids? ...Did one of you do something?" He asked. I could already tell by his voice that he was already starting to get drunk.

"No." Steven and I answered in unison. He looked at us longer.

"I'm calling bullshit. What did you do?"

"Nothing happened today, Pa. I was asleep, and -------'s been out with friends all day." Steven lied. Dad let out a chuckle, walking right up to us and glaring at me.

"Out with friends? That's cute. Weren't you complaining about about not having any friends a few nights ago, ~~miss~~?" My body shook in it's place.

**Just nod, Richard. No matter what, don't say anything. It'll be okay.**

I nodded wordlessly. Dad glared at me longer.

"That's a short haircut... Where'd you get the money from, -------? Did you steal it?" Dad said with an accusative tone. I didn't reply.

" ~~She~~ got the money from me, Pa." Steven said.

"Oh? And where did you get it from, Steven?"

"I have a job, Pa... Remember?"

"Aren't you supposed to be savin' for collage? Why give ~~her~~ anything?"

...Is he serious?

"Why do you care if it's Steven's money? It's not like you're loosing anything." I murmured.

**Richard, be careful about this. Your father isn't sober or stable right now.**

Dad stopped a moment. He glared down at me. Then he gripped my arm, very tightly.

"Why should he be givin' you money if you don't have anything to spend it on? If you get a cut then I should too! I'm workin' my ass off keeping this roof over our heads and barely makin' any for myself!" He grumbled. Steven intervened.

"Pa, calm down you're stressed-"

"Damn right I'm stressed! I've been stressed all fucking week! Now I'm comin' home to ~~her~~ having this... This ----- haircut?"

What did he say?

**It could have been "gay", but it wasn't.**

I felt my gut twist. Dad's grip was getting tighter.

**Just stay still, you'll be fine.**

"Look, It's my fault okay?" My brother interjected, "I let ~~her~~ get it in the first place-"

"So, you admit you did something wrong?" Steven looked at dad, then at me.

"...Yes. It was my idea."

Dad released his grip.

"-------, could you go to my room for a minute?" Steven mumbled.

**Go.**

I went down the hall, entering Steven's room and shutting the door... I heard more yelling on the other side. I could only really make out the words '---', 'girl', and 'stop'.

**Do you want me to block out your auditory receptors? You don't seem like you want to listen to this.**

...Yeah.

Then it was quiet. Not even white noise could be heard. I curled up on the bed, taking a few deep breaths.

**You did well today, you know.**

I did?

**Mhm. You had a few little slip ups today but otherwise, you're adjusting to this very quickly.**

...Why are you complimenting me?

**You're uneasy, I'm merely trying to help you stay calm.**

So, you're distracting me?

**I suppose.**

...I don't mind it, I guess. I should be the one getting yelled at though... I'm the one who got the haircut.

**I apologize for not being able to do more about this, I was mostly trying to keep you safe but I wasn't really able to account for... We'll make it up to Steven, don't worry.**

How the hell are we gonna do that?

**We'll give him some of your leftover money. You wanted to repay him anyways, right?**

Yeah, I guess that'll help him a little... But.... I still feel bad...

**There isn't much else we can do, Kiddo. I'll try to be better about these things in the future... He's coming in now, I'm going to turn your auditory receptors back on. Okay?**

The white noise came back, along with the sound of heavy footprints. I turned to the door. Steven walked in, shut it again, and took a few shaky breathes. He clutched the side of his torso for a moment. I heard another slam from down the hall. We both flinched.

"...You okay?" I asked, noticing his face was a little scrunched up.

"...Yeah, of course." He said, smirking. He was definitely lying, we both knew this. But, I wasn't really up to call him out on it. He walked to the other side of his room, moving some junk aside to reveal his mini-fridge.

"I got a Pizza Lunchables, last nights leftovers, some cheese sticks, and sliced ham... Whaddaya want?" Steven asked. I curled up a little more.

"I'm not hungry..." I mumbled. I'd gotten lunch today, I didn't wanna push it. Steven grabbed the ham and cheese, then sat next to me. He reached his arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer to him.

"It's not your fault, -------. You know that, right?"

I nodded, not really having the urge to say anything.

"...So like... Are _you_... _Y'know?"_

I felt my gut twist again. I didn't really wanna think about possibly being gay right now. I wasn't gay, I think anyways... I never really thought about it either.

**Just, make some gesture of no for now... We can talk about that another day but, not here or now.**

I shook my head. Steven looked at me a moment longer.

"Okay..." He said with a nod, "That's that then..."

Things went quiet for a bit... You have any ideas?

**You could give him the money. But, for the most part, you're handling this alright. Just keep it to small talk.**

I dug my hand into my pocket, grabbing some of the leftover cash. I wasn't sure how much there was, but I don't think it mattered too much. I pulled one of his hands over, placed the money into it, and closed his hand around it. I wasn't about to let him refuse this. Steven really looked like he wanted to give it back. But, after staring at his hand for a moment, he just dumped it into his pocket.

"... You sure you don't want anything?" He asked, shaking the ham a little. I grabbed two slices and one of the cheese sticks, mostly just to appease him.

"...Did you have a good day?"

"I guess... I um... I made a friend, at the mall..." Steven's face lit up.

"Hey! That's amazing!"

"Yeah, He goes to my school..."

"Oh... 'He' huh?"

"It's not like that, Steven."

"Alright, whatever you say -------."

**Try not to tell him anymore, he's trying to coax out more details.**

I munched on the cheese stick, keeping my mouth full.

"Well, Now you'll know someone when you go back in September, right?"

"Yeah..." I yawned for a moment, food still in my mouth.

Steven ruffled my hair, then leaned back against the bed and started eating. This was normally how we spent our evenings... Sometimes we'd tell jokes or play chess but, I didn't think either of us were particularly up for that right now.

After a little while I went back to my own room... Tip-toeing down the hall and trying to not wake up Dad, who I could hear snoring down the hall.

**Would you say that _he_ usually pass out around this time?**

What time is it?

**9pm, Eastern Standard Time.**

Yeah, give or take... Why?

**I'm going through your memories to try and calculate the best ways to avoid him. It's a bit difficult because you're hiding or crying in most of them, and you don't seem to have a clock- Oh, scratch that, it's just under a bunch of shirts...**

Yeah, it's too bright to sleep with so I just keep it covered.

**While that is understandable, I think we should tidy this place up tomorrow... It's good to make a habit of keeping your room in order.**

I sighed, climbing into my bed... Honestly I just wanted to sleep right now. I had a long enough day already...

**Good thinking, we have a lot to get started on tomorrow.**

Goodnight.

**Goodnight, Richard.**

* * *

...

...

...

**Wake Up, Shortstack!**

I groaned, rubbing my eyes... I still wasn't used to waking up this early... What time is it?

**9am... You've been sleeping for just about 12 hours.**

Oh... I sat up, noticing I was still wearing the clothes I'd gone to the mall in.

**I'd have you change but, It'd be better to have you work out and shower first... You did a lot of walking yesterday so we'll do some arm exercises.**

My SQUIP talked through most of my workout. I wasn't even aware you could exercise arms without lifting weights but here we were to my surprise. It was tiring, but My SQUIP told me I just had to power through. I was fairly out of shape, so my brain was more tired than my body... At least that's how it explained it.

We ended after about 45 minutes, when it finally told me I could shower... And that's when I discovered this thing had very nice perks... It actually could selectively block part of my eyes (it called them _optic nerves_ but, it basically meant eyes), which was nice when I didn't always like how my body looked... Plus the SQUIP said it'd be better for my self-confidence not to look at myself too often anyways

I put on some of my new clothes (I wasn't expected to be anywhere so I just put on something I got to pick out as Lazy Day clothes), and went to get some cereal... I noticed my father almost immediately. He was sipping down coffee and eating what looked to be a donut... I knew from experience there wouldn't be any for me or Steven. He gazed over and I suddenly felt a bit fidgety.

**Pay no mind to him... He's hungover, just try to keep it extra quiet.**

I walked into the kitchen, quietly pouring myself a bowl of Cheerios. Sure enough, the old man didn't bother me a bit. I ate them just as silently, not sure how much it would agitate him.

**You could slurp a little less.**

I took note... I heard dad let out a sigh he'd apparently been holding in...

**You're Welcome.**

I kept eating the cereal, noticing how bare the shelves were still... And Steven's mysterious absence.

**Your father sent him out to get Groceries.**

How do you know that?

**My quantum processor allows me to see many things, including past events and some future outcomes depending on the situation... It's how I helped you navigate your conversation with Jake yesterday. I picked out facts for you to tell him based on things he had some connection to... Or with your father: I had you stay still and quiet so you'd seem unnoticeable. You didn't react to him as much so he didn't see much a reason to react back.**

That... Actually explained a lot... Wait, Jake gave me his twitter handle yesterday didn't he?

**Yes he did... Why don't you go get your laptop? We can set up an account for you.**

I have a twitter...

**I can tell you with assurance that " _Richard Goranski_ " does not have a twitter.**

...Oh, right. It wasn't like I used my other account much anyways. It was just an old fail-safe me and Steven had, and it's not really needed for it's purpose anymore. Besides, I needed a fresh start at socializing with people.

* * *

It took a little while to get the account looking just right. The SQUIP made a bunch of specifications about what kind of people I should have followed. It also had me retweet things from months ago just to make it seem like the account had been vaguely used over the last year. It felt weird, mostly cause I wasn't sure who some of these people were.

**You don't need to know them, you just need to know things about them.**

Right... After all this was finished with I followed Jake's account and liked a few posts on his page. I thought about sending him a message.

**I'd recommend waiting for him to message you.**

Why?

**You don't want to seem desperate.**

But I am desperate.

A shock.

**You can't let people know that though. No one likes a desperate person. Besides, We have to milk out your "mysterious new kid" vibe as much as we can.**

...I guess that's fair. What if he doesn't message though?

**If he doesn't message us today then we message him tomorrow... Enough time will have passed by then.**

So... Now what? It's only noon...

**You could start cleaning your room.**

It's not _that_ bad. Can't I wait until tonight?

**Fine. But you're going for a walk outside.**

...More walking, huh?

**Yes. I want you to start on those vocal exercises... But given how you father is right now it'd be unwise to do so here.**

I suppose so. Am I going to have to change clothes again?

**You're catching on pretty quick, huh kiddo?**

Yeah, I am. I'm a bit surprised by that, but that probably just meant it was a good thing. The sooner I knew how to act, the better. I changed clothes again, this time into a short sleeved shirt and some jeans... As well as a somewhat snug fitting tank-top underneath. What's the purpose of that again?

**Binders are expensive and aren't always guaranteed to be safe... And bandages are a _definite_ no. This seemed like the best and safest option accounting for those.**

Yeah. Hell I can't even think of a store that'd sell chest binders.

**There are several online, but someone in your family would see it get charged to their cards and given your living situation utilizing those just isn't an option for us.**

Well, hey, Maybe when I have friends one of them could buy one for me?

**That likely isn't going to be an option either.**

...Why not?

**Well, New Jersey isn't exactly the most _progressive_ state... I think it'd be better for you to try and pass of as cisgender to the rest of your classmates.**

Still a dude though, right?

**Of course! I promised that, didn't I? We just can't have you be super open about it... Maybe in the future, when we're both certain we can trust certain people, we will. But for now, you just have to blend into the crowd. Be confident and chill about yourself, and no one will question you.**

Yeah, alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made some art to go with this fic on my tumblr blog, it acts as a sort of cover page for what the story will be like... Plus Steven's there to help give a better visualization of him:
> 
> http://penguinpatrolerarmy.tumblr.com/post/177959164374/ive-been-working-on-a-be-more-chill-fic-recently


	5. Monachopsis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
> 
> In which Rich prepares himself for his first major step in becoming popular.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Description and Minor depiction of dysphoria, references to an abusive relative.

I ended up staying out after I did my vocal exercises... Mostly cause me and my SQUIP had a mutual agreement that I should try to keep myself as distant from my dad as possible. Especially when Steven wasn't around to defend me. I didn't really mind much... He'd changed after Mom died, and it definitely wasn't for the better. I could remember the older days when he'd laugh and actually show some semblance of care for us, but they were fuzzy... I was only 5 at the time.

**I think it best for you to not think too much about it.**

...Yeah. Truth be told I don't even want to. He's an ass, he probably would have had some of the same ideals even if Mom didn't die... Hell, maybe mom even thought-

A shock hit my spine.

**Richard, Let's change subjects.**

...Yeah. Okay... You got any ideas?

**Why don't you check your phone... Perhaps Jake has messaged while we've been out.**

I'd almost forgotten about that. I pulled out my cell phone, taking seat on a random bench. There were a few notifications, one of which was a text from my brother.

_Steven: Hey, I might be home late tonight depending on how things go today. Don't starve yourself, okay?_

Yeah, I just about expected that. He worked himself half to death whenever he had a shift... It almost worried me, but like other things in my life I didn't like thinking about it too much. I swiped away the message, immediately it was replaced by another one.

_jake.dillinger: Yo! You're the same Rich from Sbarro's right?_

**Type out exactly what I tell you to.**

I complied.

_richgoranski: Yep, what's up?_

_jake.dillinger: Sweet. I'm just chilling at home right now tbh. Went on a run earlier. You?_

_richgoranski: I'm still trying to get familiar with the area, Jersey's more spread out than New York. It's a weird adjustment._

Truthfully, I'd never even been to New York... It felt weird talking like I knew the place.

**You'll adjust.**

_jake.dillinger: Yeah, I feel ya man. I see tourists who are always surprised cause Jeresy's pretty close by but it's not nearly as packed up._

_richgoranski: Mhm... It feels like an eternity getting from one place to another. I'm having trouble figuring out the layout._

_jake.dillinger: Yeah, it takes a while... Hey you still don't know that many people in Jersey, right?_

_richgoranski: Nah, been too busy with the move. Doesn't make for a lot of social time._

_jake.dillinger: Ah. Well, me, my girlfriend and her friend are gonna go to the Pinkberry on 7th avenue this Friday. You wanna join us? You seem like you could use some locals to help show you around and tell you what school is like._

...I get the feeling his talking about Chloe and Brooke. Mostly because of a pretty backed up rumor that had spread about Jake and Chloe after one of his parties last year. I'd had a few small interactions with her and Brooke in the past. They weren't pleasant, I was either being yelled at or humiliated.

**I can see that... If you're worried about them recognizing you, I can assure you that they won't. You look different and the fact that these events are somewhat isolated also decreases the chances of it happening.**

So, I am going?

**You sure are, kiddo.**

_richgoranski: Yeah that sounds dope. Count me in, dude._

_jake.dillinger : Awesome. You need a ride?_

**Yes.**

No one's gonna be home that day, right?

**They shouldn't be, you have a 90% chance of being alone that day so I doubt it will be a problem.**

_richgoranski: That'd be great, dude. You want my address now or later?_

jake.dillinger: _Just get it to me before Friday, no rush._

**Let's stop while we're ahead.**

I started to type a goodbye message, only to be met with a shock.

**People don't text goodbye messages, they just let the conversation die out quietly.**

I deleted what I wrote and slipped my phone back into my pocket. I looked up at the sky, noticing the sun was starting to go down slightly. It was kind of nice.

**We should head home, Richard.**

...Shit, yeah.

 

* * *

 

 

**...Richard?**

**...**

**Rich it's time to wake up.**

Please... Just ten more minutes?

**Hm... Alright. Fair enough. But if you don't get up after there will be consequences.**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**Rich, it's been 10 minutes.**

I sat up and stretched my arms out... What day was it?

**It's Friday, Richard. You have a big day today. Do well, and it'll be mostly smooth sailing from here on out.**

Oh yeah... I had that thing with Jake and his friends... Time went by quick.

**To be fair on your part, you've mostly been keeping to a routine. Things had been rather uneventful.**

I stood up from my bed, changing into the outfit my SQUIP had picked out the night before: A baggy blue shirt, some ripped jeans, and a flannel that I tied loosely around my waist

**Hmm... Hey, Grab that bandanna out of your sock drawer.**

I did as told. The SQUIP instructed me to fold it in a specific manner and then tie it around my forehead.

**Perfect. You look ready to punch the day in the face.**

You think so?

**Absolutely! We're gonna kill it out there, kiddo. I can tell.**

I looked at myself in the small mirror on my wall, smiling a bit. I still felt a bit of my confidence wavering, but I felt more secure with my SQUIP leading me through things. I touched up my hair a bit, brushing it back to the side so it wasn't all in my face. Then, I felt a buzz in my pocket. I quickly checked my phone.

_jake.dillinger: Hey dude, Just leaving my Girlfriend's house. We'll be by in about 15 minutes._

Suddenly, the SQUIP made an inhuman whirring sound.

**Warning Warning! Father Goranski Approaching House!**

What!! Shouldn't he be at work?

**It appears he left early, I apologize Richard, I honestly didn't think this was something we'd have to worry about due to low probability.**

Well, what are we gonna do now? Should we tell Jake I have to cancel-

A shock.

**No no no, they will hate you if you do that... Tell him to park a block away! We can sneak out and walk to him without being seen.**

I frantically started typing into my phone.

_richgoranski: Cool... Could you do me a favor and park when your a block away?_

_jake.dillinger: Sure, why though?_

_richgoranski: Oh uh, we have some relatives coming over to visit for a housewarming thing or some shit... The driveway's gonna be kind of crowded and also I'm technically not supposed to leave the house._

_jake.dillinger: You're sneaking out? Dude, nice... Yeah We'll park just around the block then._

_jake.dillinger: btw Brooke said, and I quote: "Sneaking out? That's pretty sexy."_

I felt my face flush up a little, though I wasn't sure why.

**It's your first time being complimented by a popular kid, you'll grow used to it. I can try to prevent you from profusely blushing every time it happens today if you would like.**

Yeah, sure, whatever. How are we getting past my dad?

**You live in a one-story house, Richard. All you have to do is climb out the window.**

Oh... Oh right. I took a few deep breaths, sitting on the bed for a moment. I just needed to calm down, This was just messing with my head a little.

**Would you like me to alter my warning message to something less startling?**

Maybe? I dunno. Let's just focus on Jake and his Friends for now.

**Whatever you wish, Richard. Why don't you just relax for a few minutes, we have some time before they get here.**

Yeah... Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, what if I'm not ready?

**I can assure, Richard, that you are more than ready. I wouldn't let you do this if I wasn't confident in you.**

So, You're only letting me do this because you're certain about it?

**Of course. If I had even the slightest reason to doubt you, then I wouldn't have let you get this far into it.**

Okay then... My breathing was starting to settle itself a little. I looked down at myself for a moment, almost feeling fake in my own skin... It wasn't the first time I'd felt like this, and I had a feeling it was far from the last. Though I wouldn't know what to call it

**You're experiencing dysphoria.**

What is that?

**A state of unease or dissatisfaction with one's life. While it's not exclusive to people who are Transgender, in your case I believe you're feeling it due to your wanting to be accepted as yourself.**

Oh... I looked at my hands for a moment.

**If it makes you feel better, you look more like a boy than you did yesterday.**

Really?

**Yes, it's remarkable really... You aren't taking any kind of testosterone booster, but you're not too far from passing.**

That was a little comforting... Hey um, you gonna do that voice deepening thing again?

**I was planning on it.**

Good... I think my voice gives me away more than my body.

**It's getting better, it doesn't seem like it cause you're used to hearing it... But I predict it should be fine by the end of summer.**

I looked up at the ceiling of my room for a moment, then felt a buzz in my back pocket. I looked at my phone.

_jake.dillinger: We're a block away like you asked._

richgoranski: _Cool! I'll be over soon._

I stood up, lifting my window up and removing the bug screen.. You sure this is still a good idea.

**Positive. Just put on a happy face for a few hours and you'll be fine.**

I swung my legs over, shut my window, and placed the screen back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knew I took a while to update, but I hope that this one was sufficient. I've been super busy these last few months, but I am determined to keep going with this fic as well as my other in progress ones. Hope you all enjoyed this!


	6. Occhiolism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> n. the awareness of the smallness of your perspective, by which you couldn’t possibly draw any meaningful conclusions at all, about the world or the past or the complexities of culture, because although your life is an epic and unrepeatable anecdote, it still only has a sample size of one, and may end up being the control for a much wilder experiment happening in the next room.
> 
> Rich spends time with Jake and his Friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Public Restrooms as a Transgender Person, Referenced Suicide Attempt (Very vague, but still there).

I strut down the street, not looking back once at the house. Not that it wasn't tempting to, but My SQUIP physically barred me from doing do. Though, really, knowing me it was for the best. If I glanced over my shoulder for even a second, I'd end up bailing. I just had to keep going forward.

**You should fix your posture, you're slouching.**

I straightened by back. Admittedly, looking ahead was just as terrifying. I'd never really gone out with people like this... I'd never really had enough friends for me to even have a group of them to hang with.

**You mean you never really had friends, right?**

...Yeah I guess. I saw a car off in the distance, and noticed someone waiting outside of it... Yeah, that was Jake. I smiled a little.

**Tone it down to a smirk.**

I smirked instead. You're more talkative than usual today.

**It's necessary that I am, we have to be sure this goes smoothly.**

This was pressuring, but I did my best to keep my composure. All I had to do was move foreward... Eventually, I reached the car. Jake greeted me with a simple movement of his hand.

"Nice to see ya again." He said from the passanger seat.

"Same here, dude." I said, getting into the car. Like it had promised, my SQUIP was altering my vocal cords.

**Don't bother with the seatbelt.**

Isn't that dangerous?

**Very. But no one else is using one. Always read the room and follow along.**

I felt a bit uncomfortable, but tried to not think about it as we drove off into town. Brooke was in the back seat with me, not really saying anything but looking as though she wanted to.

**Introduce yourself, engage in some small talk.**

Handshake?

**No.**

I turned my body a little. "Sup, I'm Rich."

"Brooke. Jake said you grew up in Niagra Falls?"

"Well, not in the falls... Very close to them though, Use to walk over there all the time after school."

Brooke nodded. "That's neat... Been to Canada?"

**Talk about the ferris wheel, add a bit of character.**

"Loads of times, mostly just for the ferris wheel... It has a great view, and it's very... Private." I winked.

**Not what I meant, but that worked.**

Brooke giggled. "Jake where do you find these people?"

"That's the magic of Sbarro, baby! Told ya you guys should come sometimes."

Chloe scoffed from the driver's seat. "You are obsessed with that place."

Jake caressed her face. "Not as obsessed as I am with you." Chloe instantly calmed down, smirking as she turned back to watching the road.

**This kid is an expert... I'm taking notes.**

"So, Rich... How long you been on the coast?"

"About two weeks.... I spent most of it unpacking with my family so I haven't gotten much of a look around. Met Jake at the mall last week and passed the high school during a driving exam."

"How'd you do?"

"The instructor flunked me... Said I was too "reckless"; I think he just had a stick up his ass."

Chloe suddenly became interested. "Which instructor?"

**Brown curls, Goatee, smelled like cheese.**

"I dunno his name, he had dark curly hair and a goatee... and he smelled like cheese."

Everyone suddenly groaned. "God, Sebastian?" Brook complained. "He flunked us too!"

"Yeah, Chloe only passed cause Bridget was the one in the car with her."

"God he's a terrible teacher too. He never repeated himself so if you missed something then you were fucked."

I blinked my eyes. That worked?

**The best way to get people to like you is to hate the people that they hate.**

Huh. "Yeah... Also afterwards this one chick came up to me and kept like... Trying to get my deets? I swear she was stalking me."

"Oh, Jenna Rolan?" Jake questioned, "Yeah she does that."

Brooke nodded. "She's kind of weird but she also knows a lot about people so she's reliable."

"Yeah don't take it personally, she just sees you as fresh meat." Chloe finished.

**Next time, try to stick with the script... We owe Jenna Rolan coilateral now.**

Sorry... I leaned back, managing to hold myself steady through dangerous sharp turns. Chloe finally pulled into a Parking lot, not even attempting to ease into the spot just in front of Pinkberry. Somehow, we all survived this ordeal.

"Chloe you really gotta be more careful with my mom's car." Brooke mumbled.

"I didn't hit anything, did I?" Chloe snapped.

"Hey guys c'mon... Let's chill. We're about to get some froyo." Jake said calmly.

I just realized I don't have any money.

**Yes you do.**

From where?

**Don't worry about it.**

I tried not to. I walked into the place, filled a cup with chocolate, and loaded it up with toppings. I noticed Brooke struggling to figure out a flavor. I walked over for a moment.

"Trouble deciding?"

"Yeah... I try to get something new everytime I'm here." She mumbled, "I'm not sure what to pick though."

**If you're curious, my processors say that she would be most satisfied with Mango Sorbet.**

I pretended to look around for a moment. "What about Mango Sorbet? That sounds funky." I said after a moment. Brooke seemed to consider it.

"Yeah, It's a limited run flavor... It might be good to try it while I can." She decided.

Eventually we all had our food, and proceeded to sit outside since it was a particularly sunny day (And because my SQUIP had me suggest it). Our conversations remained lax for the most part, save for Brooke, Chloe, and Jake asking me constant questions about my previous home... And of course, I had to continue feeding the lie. 

"So, You're folks are hosting a housewarming?" Chloe had said after swallowing a mouthful of toppings.

"Housewarming slash family get-together... Some shit like that. I have some cousins who live in the southern part of the state so they drove up to visit. Let me just say, I am happy I was able to get out of seeing them."

"Why?" Jake asked.

**They're your older cousins.**

"They're my _older_ cousins."

The other three gave nods and murmurs of understandings that basically boiled down to "older cousins suck."

Brooke tilted her head. "You ever been to Jersey before then?"

**Confirmation.**

"Sure, loads of times... But I've never been here long, let alone lived here. We always used to pass Menlo Park Mall on our way down so seeing the inside of it a few days ago was kind of trippy."

"Yeah... Why were you there the other day?" Jake said this as though genuinely curious.

**Growth Spurt.**

"Believe it or not, I had a growth spurt just before moving and outgrew half my wardrobe... Including most of my summer digs."

"God, you mean you were even shorter?" Chloe questioned.

"I was 4'11 at the beginning of the year, and now I am 5'5."

"6 inches in 6 months? I can grow that in an hour!" Jake quipped. Everyone laughed.

"Yeah... Well, knowing my genetic history I'm probably gonna cap out here... So don't worry about competition."

I felt a light shock.

**Remember what I said about self pity?**

Right, sorry. I leaned back in my chair, making sure not to slouch. "So. Y'all got summer plans or just doin' whatever until September?" Rich asked.

Jake smirked. "My parents are going on a romantic getaway in July, I'm gonna throw a huge party... Also, you're all totally invited."

**He's throwing it because he doesn't want to be alone with his thoughts.**

You can tell that?

**I can tell many things, Richard. Chloe only seeks Jake's company so she has something other's do not... Brooke's current boyfriend is just using her for status.**

"Is Dustin Kropp coming? He's pretty lit." Chloe said.

**Dustin Kropp is a drug dealer.**

Dustin Kropp? He's like, the same age as the rest of us!

**You act like those facts are mutually exclusive.**

Jake gave a shrug. "I invited him but he just responded with 'I'll know where I am wanted at that time.' Which, y'know, Dustin's always posting cryptic shit like that but..."

Brooke sighed. "He is kind of a creep... But, he's a cool creep."

I considered that for a moment... You could be popular if you were creepy, but only if you had something others wanted? Popularity is way more complicated than I thought it was.

**That's why you have me to lead you through it... Also, you don't really have the skills to pass and be creepy at the same time.**

Jake checked his phone clock. "Well, we got 3 hours before any of us have to be anywhere... You guys got any ideas?"

No one seemed to have an answer.

**I would reccomend a Movie... There's a 1:30 showing of "Day of Reckoning" at a nearby theatre.**

I hate horror films.

**I can block out the movie for you if it becomes upsetting.**

I took a breath. "Hey what about a Movie? I've been dying to see that new horror flick that premeired the other day."

Jake's eyes widened. "You mean Day of Reckoning?" Then, dissappointment. "Dude, it's rated R... None of us are gonna get in. We look too young." He did have a point.

**You have me, don't worry about it.**

"I have my meathods." I assured, "Let's go... If we fork together we'll have enough."

 

* * *

 

"This isn't gonna work, dude." Jake sighed, shaking his head as he added a twenty to the money pile.

"Relax guys.... Richie's got this." I said confidently.

**Show off a little as you walk away.**

I did, adding a slight little sway to my hips as I approached the ticket booth.

**4 tickets to Day of Reckoning, my good sir.**

"4 tickets to Day of Reckoning, my good sir." I parroted. The guy gave me a look.

"Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some ID kiddo... Or you could just scram now and be done with it."

**Flash the extra twenty.**

"Oh, sure... Here's my ID..." I said, cocking an eyebrow.

The guy almost considered it. "No, No... I'll get fired for taking a bribe." He said.

**Try to pass it off as a tip.**

"What? Bribe?" I questioned, feigning offense; "No no no... This is simply a little tip for all your service to this lovely community... I mean, hey... It's probably more than you make in an hour."

The guy had a guilt ridden expression on his face. He caved. "Is this the standard or 3D viewing, sir?"

"Standard..." Chloe had made it abundantly clear she wasn't paying extra for 3D.

The guy handed me the tickets. "Keep quiet about this, yeah? I don't need a bunch of highschoolers trying to bum tickets off of me. They don't pay me enough for that..."

"Will do, amigo." I flashed some finger guns, then walked back triumphantly with the tickets.

**See, Richard? That employee is another example of why you need me... He's in his twenties and he just bowed down to a 15 year old.**

Glad I'm not gonna be like that. I approached my friends once again. Jake, Chloe, and Brooke all had expressions of complete disbelief on their faces.

"Okay," Chloe announced, "You are officially cooler than Jake."

Jake gave her a look. "Babe, I'm crushed... But you're right. Rich, you are officially invited to every movie night from here on out."

I shrugged. "What can I say? I got that magic charm." I passed out the tickets, "Now, let's go scream our brains out."

I ended up watching a little bit of the movie, but didn't pay much attention. From what I could tell, it was basically the same kind of stuff modern horror liked shoving down people's throats: Movie "Psychopaths", Over reliance on Gore and Jumpscares, and acting that comes off a bit too campy at times (But, campy wasn't really too bad). The SQUIP blocked out any gorey parts and one... particular scene that hit a little close to home. I distracted myself with popcorn for the most part. Once it was over, we all took to talking about it.

"That was an absolute bloodbath." Jake said with glee, "It was every bit as good as I was hoping it would be."

"It was so creepy." Chloe said, shivering.

**She's faking vulnerability so Jake will comfort her.**

Sure enough, Jake wrapped an arm around her. "Don't worry, Chloe... I'll totally come over if you get scared."

"You don't have a car."

"You can come to my place."

Brooke looked up at me. "What did you think, Rich?"

**Be vague.**

"It was pretty spooky." I said. Brooke smiled, taking another sip of her soda. I'm surprised she doesn't have to pee really badly considering she got a large.

**Oh, she does. She's holding it because she doesn't want to be the odd one out.**

That sounds unhealthy... "Yo I'm gonna use the restroom real quick." I announced.

"Ah shit, Me too... I've been holding it since the prieviews." Jake replied. I could see Brooke and Chloe heading off themselves.

I recieved a light shock.

**You better hope no one in the boys room hears you pissing in the stall.**

Why?

**It's a dead givaway.**

I hadn't even considered that... What do I do?

**We'll get to that, don't worry about it. Just try not to acccidentally walk into the girl's room.**

_..._

_..._

_..._

I had no idea how I managed to get through that.

**It was because you had me telling you what to do, Richard... Now, you can't avoid public restrooms forever; but we should at least try to until you can afford a Packer.**

What's that?

**It's a silicon molded Dick that you stick in your pants... They make one's that allow you to stand and relieve yourself at the same time, so it'd be useful to have.**

I didn't even know that was a thing...

**Well, it is. And having one would help you pass more naturally... Of course, there's the problem of your family potentially finding it. But, you have several ideal hiding spots in your bedroom.**

I leaned back for a moment, waiting for everyone else to join up again. Chloe joined back up first... She scanned me up and down for a moment.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing... I just never thought I'd meet someone who's family wanted to move _into_ Jersey." She said with a shrug.

**Play it off.**

"My parent's ain't the most logical folks."

A shock.

**Don't use "Ain't" in that context, it makes you sound like a hick.**

Eventually everyone met back up and we went to the car. The drive back was mostly uneventful and filled with loud pop music. No one really talked, opting instead to quietly bob their heads to the beat and check their phones (Even Chloe, who was driving us). This time, I let the car stop in front of my house. It was dark, Dad wouldn't be up and about at this time.

"Well, this is my stop." I said, stretching my back.

"You're coming with us next week too, right?" Brooke asked, "We're all gonna meet up at Chloe's house and go loitering." 

**Agree.**

"Sounds Lit." I didn't even know what loitering meant, just that it was looked down upon.

**You just find a place with a no loitering sign and stand there.**

Really? That's... Interesting.

**Not every popular kid activity requires extensive effort, sometimes they too need to wind down and "Chill" for a bit.**

I shrugged, walking back up to my bedroom window and popping the screen off... From what I could tell, it hadn't been disturbed.

**Steven was in here earlier.**

You can tell that?

**He was worried when he got home and you were absent... I sent him a text on your phone saying you were with friends.**

You _what?_

**I am a supercomputer. I can connect to technology, Richard... Though, I'm only really programed for simple tasks like sending emails or correcting errors in other processing systems. The most complex thing I am able to do is replace a video game controller.**

I think we need to have a thorough conversation about your capibilities.

**Perhaps, but I think we should be more concerned about your brother for now.**

As though on cue, Steven walked in through the door. I didn't say anything about the painful looking bruise along his shoulder. I wasn't sure what exactly Dad had been pissed about tonight, but Steven seemed happy to see me... I didn't wanna take that from him by asking.

"-------, Thank god. I was about to call you." He walked up, hugging me without any warning.

**Pull away.**

I did. "Why are you so worried? I told you, I was out with my friends."

Steven actually looked a little angry from that statement. "Do you even remember the last time you were just gone without warning? I do, I still haven't recovered from that! Do you know how terrifying it is to find out your ~~sister~~ in the hospital and then months later have ~~her~~ disappear again like ~~she~~ did the same day that it happened?"

"I'm... Sorry. I'll give you a heads up next time, okay? I wasn't thinking about it." ...I kind of wish he would just say it bluntly. He always talked about it like it was some secret...

Steven softened. "It's... Yeah... Look, I know it's hard with Dad and everything but: Please don't forget that I care about you."

I nodded.

**You should ask him to leave.**

"...You can leave now, I'm not going anywhere else tonight."

Steven just blinked. "Y-yeah... Um, Do you want any food?"

I shook my head. "My friends fed me while we were out."

Steven left quietly, shutting my door behind him... I felt kind of bad just kicking him out after that. He had every reason to be worried.

**He'll be alright. He's just being a clingy older brother... We want him to be distant, not just for you but for him as well.**

For Him?

**He wants to go to collage, but he feels like he needs to keep an eye on you. We create some distance, he'll leave the nest and finally move foreward with his life. And you get to be Richard Goranski with one less person to worry about.**

I took a deep breath. The thought was an exciting one, though it still made me feel a bit jittery.

**You have nothing to be jittery about. Today went well, and this plan of ours is infailable. You just have to take the steps to move forward with it like you have been so far.**

**Author's Note:**

> I've been toying around with this idea for a while. It's something I've been putting a lot of hard work into. 
> 
> Feedback would be greatly appreciated.


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